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And the sharp hiss of one voice that started out softly, as though below layers of moss, or flesh, and gradually became so loud it drowned out everything else: Thinner, it said. You've got to get thinner.

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promotion [12 Sep 2006|01:40pm]

will you?
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[11 Nov 2005|11:31pm]

I put myself on a plate and you weren't hungry. Not even peckish. My lips were glazed. Garnished in black, low jeans, and a tight black shirt, I was just pushed to the side. 'Fridge it'. your lack of interest said. I never felt so unbeautiful after you saw me through those few suggestive windows that I opened up, pushing the curtains aside, eyes glimmering like glass, and you said no. Why do I even bother? In each of those moments, I remind myself to remind myself for the 25920th time that I next time I should let you make the moves. Every time that I'm turned on and then turned down, I feel horrible, completely disappointed. Humiliated, unwanted and UGLY.
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[20 Oct 2005|11:51pm]


so, like, am I the only one who wastes his/her time trying on almost all of my own clothes and parading in front of the mirror to see how Ilook? please tell me no. there goes that hour. augh. I feel so pugfugly even though I've been doing great in terms of dieting. I've lost a good five pounds roughly (I won't even weigh myself until I fit into these teensy weensy jeans... my weight disgusts me), and I feel, well, hideous. =( I'm likesoattractedto my bf. He's a sweetheart and he's hot.. I know he thinks i'm sweet, its just the hot part that worries me. "I know what I look like," I want to say, " it's ok".



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Warning: Nudity [01 Aug 2005|11:39am]

This is the real shit.Collapse )
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[29 Jul 2005|02:45am]

hour 49 of fast. im feeling quite sick...which never happens to em during a fast...so im a lil worried...but im sure ill be fine. im down to 127...that 4 pounds! amazing! im almsot binged..but stopped myself...threw away the steak and chees my bro got me....and then worked out. i need to puke...i have this intense need to throw up evne though i ahvent eaten...and i tried and i couldnt! that NEVER happens...sumthin si up...i need to puke..bad.

fuck.i wanan go for a run but for soem reaosn all my street lights are out...so ima go around 5 am. then work my ass of doing every exercise i can think of. im extending my fast till monday, cuz i gutta eat monday at camp..but im tihnking of bringing a yougrt smoothie or fruit...any ideas girls? is it still a fast if i drink a yougirt smoothie for lunch??...

i wanna be 120 by the end of ym fast so i dont want to end it monday...im hoping the smoothie doesnt count...oh well...ill still be wayunder 200 cals.

stay strong girls

x-posted to...

_ventoutana bodyperfect face_it_ur_fat edxnos
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[23 Jul 2005|08:40pm]


okay.  This is my first entry at starting freshly.  My dad got the laptop fixed, finally.  and this will be my last entry whinging about everything.  changes need to be made in order for me to be sane.   This rut has lasted 2 weeks and i need to prove to mysefl that i can fucking get the girl back that i know i am.  the in control,  girl.  the girl who simply doesnt eat and does NOT mess up on stupid shit.   I know i can get back in my mode.  However, i have realized that i need to break the stupid habits that take over me.  that is one of the reasons why im notin my mode.  Eating weird shit late at night that has no consistancy needs to stop.  Such as,  ketchup,  mustard,  hot chocolate,  powdered fucking sugar and weird toppings.  these out of control habits need to fucking stop.  once i stop these habits, i will feel so clean and refreshed and accomplished.   The rut needs to end.  I need to get in my mode and start planning the weeks.  I cant just try to get in the mode and then wait until another rut comes behind my back.  I need to start PLANNING the weeks so i continue to stay in the mode and feel in control.  no more of this shit.  changes need to occur.  i feel pathetic.  Last night i didnt even feel like myself, i felt out of control and not like myself at all.  Im so used to that fasting for months at atime, and to not have it be easy, its emotionally draining me.   The days need to be structured and planned so i dont fuck up and all of a sudden not be in the mindset anymore. 
i need to get my mind and body back to the way i know i can have it.  the controlled mode of simply not eating, not messing up, and feeling so pure and at ease because im in that mode.  Breaking these habits is the first step.  Its disgusting some of the things ill consume.  things that i do not have to chew, but have calories.  its unexceptable and gross.  it needs to stop.   Once this happens, i will feel back to normal.  No bad habits controlling me and i will feel content and so so proud of myself.  it would be one of the best accomplishments ever.
i must get my mindset back so this fat can be eaten away.  The shit i consumed last night is fucking gross.  not normal.  powdered SUGAR?  now im paranoid that im going to gain fat.   its disgusting and these habits are going to be broken.  i need to stop wasteing time.  its not me to be like this at all.   iam doing everything to get back in my mode.  i need to fast.  and since these habits are no longer a part of me, i will only consume iced coffee, low calorie diet drinks, and broth until i reach my mindset.  i need to do this to get in my mode i need to discipline myself into the person i was before the hospital.  who would fast for weeks on end and not have any problems and be in the mindset. 

sorry this was so long

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[19 Jul 2005|12:22pm]

hello im new ive been dying to get thin i think im about 210 lbs and i want to atleast for right now i want to get down to 130 so badly. and i need to noe some ways to get down to that size and kinda quickly. i want to look good before i go back to school. so any help will help me very much thnaks a bucnh to all in advance
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[17 Jul 2005|06:13pm]
I have the sickest thighs ever.
Especially my inner thighs.
Does anybody have any good thigh exercises that work?
Thanks ♥
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[15 Jul 2005|10:14pm]

Its 12:00 AM and I have FINISHED my 7 day fast<3 10 lbs lost~Collapse )
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[14 Jul 2005|12:29pm]

my fast has been once again fucked up becuase of my mother. i'm running out of excuses to use on her. this fucking bites. she thought i was depressed so she made me pizza and an icecream cone. i felt bad so i ate a slice and half the cone. i wanted to puke, but she was cleaning the bathroom. i think life is out to get me. and i am going to be depressed if i dont lose 20 pounds by august 31st. i figure instead of startign another fast right away i'll restrict to under 400 and on monday i'll start a new 5 day fast. aug 31st is the first day at school, and its another new school. i want to look amazing. not for the boys, cuz im happily married, but for myself. i could care less what other people think, but if im not happy with myself i know i get completely introverted and i shut people out. and i dont want to do that. i've come to the realization that i cant be on a fast when i see my husband becuase it hurts him too much to see me like that,and i dont want him to have to. i love him so much and he is the only person that has ever made me feel beautiful, and i want to respect how he feels. so im trying really hard to eat healthy around him, instead of just not eating, wish me luck girls, im gunna need it. anyone have any advice?

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dumb question//// [12 Jul 2005|10:51am]

where would i find a list of 'negative' calorie foods? i know alot of people dont beleive in them and what not; i just figure if i keep those in my house its easier to just eat that if i have to break a fast ...
thank you in advance<3
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[12 Jul 2005|07:19am]

Over the last two years, I've gained so much weight, it's not even funny. I'm overweight for my height, and me being 6' tall, that means I weight a lot. And, reading all of these other entries here, I've given thought to fasting. I know it's not the healthiest approach, but all of the other diets and excercise regimes don't seem to work, and if they do, it takes forever, and the weight comes right back.

But, the thing is, I play volleyball and softball. So, I'm not sure if its right for me, because I hear that it makes you weaker. And, I need the energy. Not only that, but I LOVE food. Which is one of the biggest reasons for my weight gain.

So, any suggestions/help?
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QUESTION! PLZZZ ANSWER! (: [11 Jul 2005|10:22am]

does milk absolutley have to be avoided?!
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[29 Jun 2005|08:23pm]

im spiraling out of control
im at my highest weight in a long time
129....and it scares me
the way i see it....
its only 30 pounds away from 160 and that is only 40 pounds away from being 200....and we all know how easy it is to put on weight....

now....i used to be 105....so i mean its hard i cannot starve because i have an ulcer
but what i can do is make wiser meal choices...and i have been doing better when i go grocery shopping
i get paid this friday
im going to get appetite suppresants....to help me out in the cravings department
but i want to make a thinsperation/vent journal....where i glue pictures of things that will curb my appetite...how does this sound...i also want to make a smaller one to fit in my purse???

any of you do this?
does it help at all?
fill me in...

please and thank you

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[28 Jun 2005|07:50pm]

[ mood | pissed off ]

i can't believe how fat and disgusting i am. i feel so full right now, im gunna puke. had moms dinner, whcih was good, excpet i wanted to kill myself with every bite. i never enjoy eaying, and i hate it when i have to. im around 1000 cals today, more than ive been in a LONG time. im down to 127.5, but im going on vaca. firday for 10 days with my husband and his family, and im going to the beach, so that means bikini, which my husband swears i look sexy in, but he's delirious. thankfully i surf so most of the time ill be in board shorts and a wet suit top, but still, those tops are so tight.

the real reason im writing tonight(be warned, some sexual details)Collapse )

x-posted to alot of places

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It's finally here!!! [27 Jun 2005|05:39pm]

[ mood | excited ]

I was tired, very tired earlier.  But as I was dragging my ass back to work I seen the mail man drop off the mail.  I got my Pure ephedrene. **Excited**  I took one around 1:30 p.m. and another around 6:15 p.m.  I hope that they help out.  I haven't had any desire to eat anything so far. And I'm full of energy, so I'm going to clean my room and run on the treadmill and do some thigh and arm exercises.  My thighs are completely Mc Nasty!!! I don't even like looking at them. 

I know that I had a relapse on the pills ( OC'S).  I can't eff with that shit anymore.  It makes me so sick the days after and its not even worth it.  I am going to start all over again. 

To the anonymous person writing shit in my lj grow up and if you don't like the way I live, don't read my shit.



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[27 Jun 2005|12:02pm]


Lets see, I am on break from work.  Don't have much time.  Haven't eaten anything.  I had like 200 diet Mt. Dews.  Really tired I just want to go back to bed.  Hopefully thats what I do when I get off.  Can anyone tell me some really good  exercises for arms and thighs???.



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[25 Jun 2005|10:04pm]


I know, I know I hvan't been on in days.  I have been partying a lot.  I know that sounds bad but thats all I know.  I'm not being to bad.  My stomach is gettin flatter, dropped another pants size.  And I'm actually feeling a lil' hotter.  (Thank you self for the self control)  Barely eat.  But I do consume something early in the day and then run my ass off or dance it off.  I'm actually getting ready to hop in the shower and get dressed to go out.

I do miss Nick and I heard he misses me.  Oh well he effed up not me.  He knows I'm the baddest bitch he knows but yet he had to eff with them lil girls, now he is feeling real salty when I don't acknowledge him at parties. 

Ha you had me you lost me and now you want me back.

gotta go chicas.  Love all you!! Stay strong.  And if some dude don't like you or plays you, just make him effin regret it.  It feels so good. 

P.s. start fast tomorrow and no alcohol only pills.


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[22 Jun 2005|06:21pm]


It is so hard not to want to eat when your mom cooks all this grilled chx and it looks so good.  I had to leave the house, so I went to wal-mart.  I was looking at the diet supplements and found some energy supplements called BLAST.  They were like $1.68 so bought them.  Serving size is 6 and amount per serving is 5 calories.  So that is cool.  I like them!!! They have caffiene in them.  I also bought me some red bull sugar free cause I'm a feen.  And I decided to color my hair a lil' lighter blonde, I really hope that it turns out good.  I am posed to stay all night with my girl tonight.  I'm really affraid to tho.  See she likes to cook and eat all the time.  I can't do all that.  She knows how I am .  She really is the only person that knows my phobias and shit.  I just don't want to cave!!!!!  But I have been being really strong, so I can do it.

Lots of Luck to everyone.

Think thin Always,


P.S.  You know what else helps me not to eat:  Whenever I think about getting in that fridge  I think about a guy that I like passing me up for a thinner girl. It helps me out!!!!!

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[22 Jun 2005|03:58pm]

[ mood | MOTIVATED ]

Okay today I woke up around 2 p.m., I could sleep all day.  My dad made me eat.  So I had tuna by itself, nothing in it.  So I don't add any extra calories.  It was 70 calories a serving, and it has 2 1/2 servings.  So I guess that was about 200 calories.  Thats all I'm having today.  I'm pretty motivated.  I'm going to continue to keep walking/jogging on the tredmill.  It's getting easier.  Seeing how I can't starve myself, what about if I fuel up on like coffee or caffiene drink?  Do you think that I would still lose weight even tho they have calories in them?

I have to go for now cause my brother has to have his way.  I'll check in later.

Luv all


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