okay.  This is my first entry at starting freshly.  My dad got the laptop fixed, finally.  and this will be my last entry whinging about everything.  changes need to be made in order for me to be sane.   This rut has lasted 2 weeks and i need to prove to mysefl that i can fucking get the girl back that i know i am.  the in control,  girl.  the girl who simply doesnt eat and does NOT mess up on stupid shit.   I know i can get back in my mode.  However, i have realized that i need to break the stupid habits that take over me.  that is one of the reasons why im notin my mode.  Eating weird shit late at night that has no consistancy needs to stop.  Such as,  ketchup,  mustard,  hot chocolate,  powdered fucking sugar and weird toppings.  these out of control habits need to fucking stop.  once i stop these habits, i will feel so clean and refreshed and accomplished.   The rut needs to end.  I need to get in my mode and start planning the weeks.  I cant just try to get in the mode and then wait until another rut comes behind my back.  I need to start PLANNING the weeks so i continue to stay in the mode and feel in control.  no more of this shit.  changes need to occur.  i feel pathetic.  Last night i didnt even feel like myself, i felt out of control and not like myself at all.  Im so used to that fasting for months at atime, and to not have it be easy, its emotionally draining me.   The days need to be structured and planned so i dont fuck up and all of a sudden not be in the mindset anymore. 
i need to get my mind and body back to the way i know i can have it.  the controlled mode of simply not eating, not messing up, and feeling so pure and at ease because im in that mode.  Breaking these habits is the first step.  Its disgusting some of the things ill consume.  things that i do not have to chew, but have calories.  its unexceptable and gross.  it needs to stop.   Once this happens, i will feel back to normal.  No bad habits controlling me and i will feel content and so so proud of myself.  it would be one of the best accomplishments ever.
i must get my mindset back so this fat can be eaten away.  The shit i consumed last night is fucking gross.  not normal.  powdered SUGAR?  now im paranoid that im going to gain fat.   its disgusting and these habits are going to be broken.  i need to stop wasteing time.  its not me to be like this at all.   iam doing everything to get back in my mode.  i need to fast.  and since these habits are no longer a part of me, i will only consume iced coffee, low calorie diet drinks, and broth until i reach my mindset.  i need to do this to get in my mode i need to discipline myself into the person i was before the hospital.  who would fast for weeks on end and not have any problems and be in the mindset. 

sorry this was so long